Uninspired

Have you ever had to come up with a presentation, or a good gift idea, or something to write about in your blog, and you just felt uninspired? Of course you have, we all have at some time in our life. Well I thought I would talk about UNinspiration. Yeah, I know it's not a word. Thanks spellcheck. There are people who seem to have it together, whatever "it" is. They're always coming up with good ideas and fun things to do. Then there's the rest of us. At the times I feel uninspired, it's as if I'm wearing the same clothes day after day. Maybe it's a form of depression. I'm sure I'm not depressed at this moment, just uninspired. What seems to pull out a person out of it? At what point do you turn the corner and start coming up with clever ideas? For instance, last night for dinner we had just plain old roast beef sandwiches, and it was my idea. Why didn't I put a slice of tomato on it? I guess I did put horseradish on it, only because I like to feel pain sometimes when I eat. I appreciate and at the same time feel a little irritated at those clever people who seem to pull things together at the last minute so everyone has a good time. Maybe exercise would help get the creative proverbial juices flowing again. OK, I'm back. I had to lay down for about 45 minutes until that last thought went away. OK, conclusion is this; the human psyche experiences highs and lows, and sometimes there has to be a mental coffee break (maybe even a literal coffee break). So, I'm going to try changing my clothes, slicing a tomato, stretch after a nap (exercise), hug and then slap someone inspirational, and we'll see what happens.

Equality

I'm OK with equality. If a woman can do a job as good or even better than a man, she's the 'man' for the job. She even deserves to be paid according to her ability and not her gender. I would definitely be OK with it, if my wife were the breadwinner. I could be Mr. Mom. She could keep me home, barefoot and pregnant. I can cook, plan meals, and babysit. I babysit adults now! I can wash clothes if everybody's OK with wearing pink. Sometimes, though, I feel I'm the one who's been slighted, not got a fair shake. For instance, my wife buys a cheap shampoo and conditioner for myself and the kids. There's nothing wrong with that because we don't have any special hair needs or issues. But one day, she gave the dog a bath after being out in the rain and mud. Keep in mind, this is the same dog mentioned in an earlier blog (I encourage you to reread that one). So I'm sitting on the couch and he's sitting next to the couch letting me pet him. And I catch a whiff of something that smells really good. I lean over and smell the dog and he smells like coconut. Usually I keep my nose a safe distance from him, but this time he smelled as if he'd been applying the Coppertone and lying in the sun. I commented to my wife how good the dog smelled and I wasn't aware that dog shampoo came in coconut scent. She replied, "Oh, it's not dog shampoo, it's the same shampoo you and the kids use". I was curious why she used our shampoo. Well I guess it's cheaper than dog shampoo. This irked me a little. First, I thought my wife thinks more of the dog than the kids and I? Then I realized, the people who make pet shampoo are the ones who think more of my dog than the kids and I? In fact, they think more of animals than of humans, that's why they cater to animals. They're not really interested in you as the pet owner, rather, how much money you would be willing to spend on your precious canine. So, if some CEO of some pet product ever asked me for a drink of water, well, I would tell them that I am concerned about their well being just as much as our four legged friends well being. Let me oblige you, I'll go lift up the toilet seat!  

Yummy!

Just finished eating some food that most people wouldn't think of putting together. Nothing quite as odd as Elvis' peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, but a little quirky. Take cottage cheese and crumble up saltine crackers in it. Mmm Mmm good. Another thing I like, and this one will make you think before shoveling it in, is orange slices in a bowl with italian dressing on it. I have a daughter who likes peanut butter and salami sandwiches, and a cousin who used to eat (he may have outgrown this) mayonnaise and jelly sandwiches. So if you have an unusual palate and want to share your culinary delights, by all means, leave a comment. If it sounds gross, and is gross, I can probably get one bite down with a beer chaser! 

A Day Late

I've always been impressed at quick witted people. How did they come up with that response so quickly? How does their brain work to get to that conclusion? Usually it's in response to something I've said that makes me look like I just got out of diapers. (OOH BURN). And it's inevitable, I think of a comeback or clever response hours after I've been zinged. There is a name for this. It's "treppenwitz". German origin, means wit or joke of the stairs, or stairway wit. It describes the predicament of thinking of the right comeback too late. Any witty or clever remark that comes to mind too late to be useful - when one is on the "staircase" leaving the scene. It doesn't bother me too much when I'm the butt of a joke. Helps keep me humble, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't be allowed to laugh at others. When the teasing seems to be relentless though, what I do to bring it to an end is think of something to cut myself down even more so than the person ribbing me. They get a laugh and think "How do I top that?". You have to be careful who you tease though. If you've teed off against another quick witted person, be prepared to be fired back at. It may come down to slamming each other's moms. I find it best to just hug and then go have a beer together.

Shaving

I'm going to be upfront - I hate shaving! But I'm in a bit of a quandary, because I can't stand having a beard either. After 3 or 4 days, I feel like I need a flea dip. Camping for 4 days made me and sasquatch look like we may have had the same mother. Boy, that first shower after getting home from camping sure feels good. I had developed a protective crust over my body. Now, our shower head has multiple settings, so I found the one that works like a Water Pik works for your teeth, and turned it on full throttle, and held on! That things blasts through concrete body funk, into orifices not easily reached. I think that word, 'orifice', is a funny word. What do you think of when you hear the word, 'orifice'? Back to shaving. Shaving was torture in its most heinous form. I always start with my neck. Mind you, I put a brand new razor in with the 3 blades and the blue comfort strip. Comfort strip my @$#! I now know what skinning a grizzly feels like! As I'm sawing through my beard, it sounded just like that. A hand saw cutting through wood! By the time I was finished with my neck, the brand new blade was screaming for mercy and so was I! Well, I plowed through and completed the the whole nightmarish ordeal. Afterward, I noticed that I got a little bit of sunshine while being outdoors for the majority of 4 days, and had my farmer tan working for me. Except the area I just shaved. Yup, albino white. Get me a pair of floppy clown shoes, I'm off to join the circus.

Happy Campers

Well, here they are. Myself and my mushroom posse. What a blast! After we found our first little morsel of magic, it was a personal challenge to make the forest submit more of these little beauties. We were like bloodhounds, noses down in the dirt, digging, turning over every leaf. I even stopped to pee on a tree. Had to mark my territory in case other mushroom seekers had their nose to the ground. Anyway, we swiped probably 30 morels! They were a bit small because of the cool weather, but this week I'm sure they're going to explode. It's not proper etiquette to ask a mushroom hunter where he hides his stash, but I will happily give up my secret. (I'm whispering now) It's in Iowa. There, you know. I think our next camping trip should be somewhere in France. I would like to take my highly trained team of fungus sniffers on a truffle journey. They're even harder to find than morels, plus you have the language barrier. Listen to me. I sound like a mushroom expert, when all we did was find a couple of handfuls of morels after our first time out. Regardless, I probably saved $3.00 by spending the good part of a day hunting, and not succumbing to the morel extortioners! I think I'll put that savings toward our France mission. In the meantime, I'm going to bone up on my French and drink some wine.

Hope You're Not That Person!

Seems there one in every circle of friends. There's always somebody who comes into a conversation halfway thru and gets only the part of the conversation that California fires are started with. This is how rumors get going. It's kind of fun to actually let them go for awhile instead of squelching them from the start. Next thing you know, you're involved with a much older woman who really isn't a woman and she turns out to be pregnant but she can't be pregnant because she's really a man and the baby isn't yours at least one of the twins isn't yours and he snuck into the country after assassinating the dictator of a third world planet! See, wasn't that fun and exciting? Now who can I forward this to?:)