The Art of Eating

Last night I was eagerly anticipating a pumpkin pie we bought at the store earlier. Anyone who knows me, knows I practically OD this time of the year on everything pumpkin! It's really a good time of year for me to be alive. So I'm sitting at my desk working on an invoice, and my daughter brings me a wedge, (she knows better than to show up with just a slice), and a cup of hot tea. I don't know much about Nirvana, but I can only imagine that I may have come close to it last night. So I proceed with caution to thoroughly enjoy this pie. I'm very careful to not let any crumbs fall to the floor. I'm aware of the 5 second rule, or whatever time limit you want to allow, but I didn't want to put it into force. Eventually I finished without incident. Sat back and thought, "I'm really an expert with this fork." I wonder how I would do in other cultures where they use other utensils to shove food into their pie holes? I would experiment, but not with pumpkin pie. There would be a definite learning curve, and portions of food would end up a casualty. Five or ten seconds wouldn't be enough time to recover. I've attempted a couple of times to eat with chop sticks. This would actually be a good diet program for me, because practically nothing would make it into my mouth, unless I were to stab it. Some cultures eat with their hand. The right hand ONLY! The left hand is for all other business, and is considered unclean. Pretty sure I could accomplish this, being right handed and all. But could I do it as clean as they do? They seem to be able to eat, and still be in a pristine condition afterward. I'm pretty sure my clothing, along with my face and hands, your clothing, your face and hands, would all have to be washed following my meal. I know there's a 'proper' way of eating peas in this country, which has become a lost art. A hundred year ago, women of a certain class would eat a row peas balanced on their butter knife. This could make for some fun with food around the dinner table :) Humor me for a minute. Say we all practiced diligently at eating with various forms of utensils, and we seemed to have mastered all the world has to offer, in order to get us fed properly. Once the food is in our mouth, what do we do with it then? Is the mouth closed, are there smacking noises, heavy breathing through the nostrils, talking while masticating? Just because we graciously engineered and maneuvered our meal from the plate to an open orifice, does not mean we've successfully become a sophisticated dinner guest!