The "Matriarch"

Went camping over the weekend. The place we went, also has a beach with swimming. This spot is usually a big hit with the kids. It just so happened we were the first ones on the beach this morning, so we got the choicest spot. Now when you're on the beach, it's fun to people watch. I realize that everyone else has just as much right to be there as I do, but I think they should monitor what some folks wear to the beach. First thing that happened, a rather large kid, probably 13 years old, who was camping near us, him and his family (probably 20 people), arrived within 2 minutes of us. He was the first to dash toward the lake. Even though the temperature was warm, the water was still a little frigid. Well he ran into the water, shirt still on thankfully, and dove in. He came up out of the water resembling a small killer whale, and letting out a huge scream I'm sure could be heard throughout the park. A few younger siblings followed and mimicked the same pattern, pretty much insuring any fish and wildlife in the lake, took shelter on the opposite side. Within the next 60 seconds, this same land whale yells to his younger protege that he left his cell phone in his pocket and now it's ruined. So he whined about that for a few more minutes until, I believe it to be his grandmother, arrived on the beach. She happened to be surrounded by her version of the paparazzi, with multiple children in diapers, in tow. She secured her 10x10 area with half a dozen beach towels and an umbrella. Please keep in mind, this was no small woman, and not your ordinary entrance to a public area. Her voice was so loud, she could have used a bullhorn and saved herself "long distance" charges. After barking orders to several children, by using their first and middle names so they knew she meant business, she was able to land her craft in the middle of her blanketed area. Now for the good part, she unrobed down to the bathing suit. There was so much spillage, it made the Exon Valdez look like a fly turd. All I want to know is, where's the fashion police, or even the local police, when you need them? Then she proceeded to yell from 40 feet away, at adults, children, grandchildren, and probably a few people not even associated with her group! I'm just in awe of people who are morbidly obese, and feel they need show as much of it as possible, and then announce it to the world. No need to announce, we can see for ourselves! It wasn't quite the relaxing day at the beach I had hoped for, but it gave me fodder for a blog entry. So as we're packing up our things, I hear one of the posse say, " I don't think that BLT agreed with my baby". The matriarch yelled, "Did he s@#t in the water?". Then they all just laughed. At any moment, I was expecting someone to come out from hiding and tell me I was on Candid Camera or something. Unfortunately, they never did. 

Mysteriously Mysterious

I am the proud owner of a pair of work boots that I've owned for 2 years now! That has to be some kind of record for me. They're nice and broken in, comfortable to wear to work. But, I'm pretty sure within the next 4 - 6 months, I'll have to purchase new. It'll be a sad day when I have to throw those away and start breaking in a new pair. It's almost like potty training a new puppy. What's funny is, kids these days (mine included), think a worn pair of shoes is some form of chid abuse. They always want to get new shoes. But here's the mysterious part of this story. Over the years, I've had clothes that were worn to the point of extreme comfort. An old sweatshirt, a pair of bib overalls that I cut off to make them shorts, and various t-shirts with maybe a small hole or two, and one day they come up missing. Oh, I've asked around, but nobody seems to know anything about my clothes disappearing into thin air. I know my wife has nonchalantly helped them out the door, either to the Goodwill or to the landfill. I may have to resort to a lie detector test. I know she's looking out for my well being, and when I leave home, she doesn't want me mistaken for a homeless person, but I can reassure you that those clothes still had life left in them. All the crucial areas of interest were still covered. I'm not an exhibitionist. There may be an occasional plumber's crack, but nothing too offensive. If I was going to put on a show, clothes would not be a part of the wardrobe while I was jogging down the street! But, nonetheless, I can't get an answer as to where my clothes end up. I think she's afraid I'll go buy them back from the thrift, or flag down the garbage man. I guess there's a remote chance aliens took them. That would be awesome to know that the "Kevin" look was in vogue on another planet.

Song in My Head

Sometimes it drives you bonkers, other times it helps you get through some boring mundane project. You've heard a song or a jingle and it feels like the needle is skipping, because it is playing in your mind over and over. For some reason, I woke up this morning with the old Dr. Pepper jingle playing in my noggin. I'm a pepper, you're a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? There it is again! It seems that commercials today have gone away from the cute little melodies that used to make us all sing along whether we wanted to or not. Some of my favorites were Slinky, the Coke theme song, and Dr. Pepper. Remember two all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion, on a sesame seed bun? But here's a good one for ya'. My bologna has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R. My bologna has a second name. It's M-A-Y-E-R. Do you remember the rest? Think about it, and once you figure it out, it should be burned there for the rest of the day! No need to thank me:) 

PB&J

Could there be a more perfect bond of union? Don't even pretend you don't like it. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are truly the dynamic duo. The history is rather interesting but somewhat vague. Ancient cooks have been preserving fruit since the beginning of time. They were just waiting for someone to create peanut butter, then have a happy little accident, by combining the two, to create the beautiful combo. In the late 1800's, a form of peanut butter was first introduced, but made with almonds and only served to the wealthy in upscale tea rooms. As early as 1901, was the first mention of a pb&j in a book. By the 1920's, peanut butter was being produced commercially. This was about the same time sliced bread was being produced. Just in time for the Great Depression, peanut butter and bread sandwiches became a staple for children. This was also rationed to soldiers in WWII. Packets of jelly were also included in the rations. After the war, peanut butter and jelly sales soared thru the roof. The sandwich is definitely an American icon. No other country eats more peanut butter than the U.S. All I've got to say is, "Thank you", to whomever accidentally slammed these three ingredients together, and gave us such a perfect bond of union! By the way, you've got a little peanut butter on the corner of your mouth:)

Hump Day

Boy, it sure is tough getting your act together after a three day weekend. Yesterday was total chaos. I put probably 120 miles on my truck, made 8 stops, tried to accomplish some work, and smooth it all out before hump day. I think I did it, but each day always brings new challenges. There are times where I feel I have a handle on things, and work seems to throw a stick in the front spokes of your wheel. Many times, I've been cruising thru my day, thinking I'm going to get off at a decent time, and some tile setting "emergency" comes up, and I'm adding 2 1/2 more hours to the end of my day. But I have hump day to be the transition point of my week. If I have my act together, the remainder of the week sometimes finishes on a good note. Otherwise, Friday rolls around, and I work harder on Friday than I did the previous four days. So, the way I see it, Monday is "total chaos, free for all" day. Tuesday is "nose to the grindstone" day. Wednesday is "transition" day (remember to not let up on the accelerator). Thursday is " light at the end of the tunnel", or "finger on the panic button" day, and Friday is "screw around" or "makeup" day. Saturday and Sunday should be holy and sacred days, spent with family, friends, food, and drink. Sometimes "work" feels the need to invite itself into my weekend. This is a definite source of irritation. My wife once found a Chinese proverb that said, "Work will fill up the time you allow for it". If you allow 40 hours, no problem. If you allow 50 hours, it's cutting into family time. If you allow 60 or more hours, you're a slave to your job, and that's not fun. So today is the day I need to shake off the three day weekend hangover, and get it together before this weekend. The rest of you should do the same. "Have fun storming the castle"!

Forward THIS!

I'm only going to say this once, but I'm going to ramble on about it for the whole entry. I HATE it when people send me STUPID emails, and then threaten me with bad luck for the next two reincarnations of my life, if I don't forward it to ten of my friends! You call yourself a friend?! You would actually wish something bad on me just because I didn't forward something totally ridiculous?! Well, thank you for thinking of me, or rather, of yourself. Do you know how many of these retarded email threats I've forwarded? You can count them on zero fingers! You know, if there's something clever you want to share with me, edit first by deleting all the B.S. There are so many times I feel like sending it back to the person who sent it to me with about 400 replies. And for all of you whom I did NOT forward this crap, "You're welcome". Did you ever stop to think, that if you consider me a friend, and you send me something that's going to put this dark cloud over my life for the next generation, there's a chance we're going to be hanging out together, and you could be a part of my misfortune also? How would you like that? And how dare you assume I have ten friends! But suppose I did. Maybe I have more than ten. Let's see, which ten shall I choose to ruin their lives? Unless you really do wish ill on me, please don't forward me these threats of cyber misfortune. I may have to come visit you with my ten friends who didn't forward it either, and share the love!

Beer

If you haven't figured it out by the whole theme of my blog, and the many references to tipping a glass, I like beer! I believe it may have been the ancient Egyptians who first made a form of sour mash alcoholic drink, at least that seems to be the consensus. I looked up the origin of the name, (it's Latin, just like every other species or category), the word "beer" comes from the word "bibere", meaning "to drink". I realize not everyone in the world has the same heartfelt fondness for the drink that I do, but you don't have to like it for it to be an enhancement to your life. I know what you've just said. "What? Have you been drinking?" Try to follow my train of thought. Do you have friends or family that enjoy a cold one every now and then? Do you like to cook? Do you like to laugh? If you answered "yes" to any one of these questions, then "beer" may help you out in this regard. Offering friends an occasional beer (provided there's not some medical or personal issues), is an act of kindness in my book, and endears the friend even more. Don't be afraid to cook with beer. There are many recipes that actually call for beer, and the alcohol cooks off, so the flavor is all that remains. My wife has a pot roast recipe that requires Guinness Stout. Wonderful flavor, and she's teases me with it about once every other year. She makes that about as often as I buy her flowers. I know, my bad. Now keep in mind, I'm not advocating drunkenness, but a couple of lagers under the belt, at a get together, help keep the party lively and fun. And I will admit, it is funny to see someone let their inhibitions down, and make a clown of themselves:) What I really appreciate now as opposed to my "formative drinking years", is the fact that beer drinkers tastes have become more sophisticated, almost like wine drinkers. Do you like the way I carefully worded that last sentence, so I didn't incriminate myself? There are many microbreweries that offer different flavors and types of beers with very distinct taste. The price might be a little more, but definitely worth it. I thought it rather amusing when Anheuser-Busch was bought last year, from a foreign company. Americans were rather upset by this transaction. Please keep in mind though, the company that bought Anheuser - Busch, is from Belgium. There are extremely good beers from Europe, and if anything, they're going to make the product taste better. I know it means money going to a foreign land, but nothing made in mass quantity is made here anymore regardless. This just seems to matter more to Americans, because they're passionate about brew. So if you're a teetotaler, try not to be "Reich" about it, as long as folks are enjoying it responsibly. And any of you decide to invite me over for ANY reason, you will thrill my taste buds by forcing me to lighten the load in your cooler! Here's to ya!

Energize Me!

I've recently been looking at kits to make my own solar panels. I would love to harness solar energy and trim the fat off my energy bills. The potential for alternate sources of energy are there, we just have to utilize them. The power the earth has to offer is amazing, and there's no reason we have to deplete fossil fuels or take the risk with nuclear energy. On a small scale, there are many people who have gone off the grid, so to speak. They have implemented alternative energy resources, and no longer purchase electricity from public utilities. In some states, such as California, Nevada, Colorado, to name a few, people are selling energy back to the utilities, because their meter runs backwards. Of course, I live in Nebraska, and they do not offer such incentive. It doesn't matter if my  meter is running backwards, our thinking in this state is also running backwards. Even if the utilities won't buy back energy, it would still be nice to go off the grid, and not pay anything. I had looked into solar energy in the past, and realized that free energy comes with an expensive price tag! I'm thinking about trying a do it yourself method, which may run about $250 - $350. Much easier to afford than the $10,000 price tag from a few years ago. Another viable alternative is wind. There are also do it yourself windmills. My father in law came up with a brilliant idea for automobiles. I'm sure it's already been explored, but the auto industry probably doesn't want us to run our cars for free. Once a car starts forward motion, it creates wind. Wind is a free form of power. Something like a turbine could be turned fast enough from the wind generated by the forward force of the car, thus producing electricity. All you would need is that initial "push" from a battery. I'm not the mechanical type, but I believe this how "turbo" works within a motor. I thinks it's just forced air to increase horsepower. All I know is, when I look around my house, and see all the little indicator lights telling me that something is shut off, or the dishes are clean, or what time it is, I try not to think about how much it's costing me to know these things that do not matter. I would be thrilled if I knew the sun was paying for it, rather than me. 

Humor For The Week

Got a cute joke this week forwarded in a newsletter - thought I would share a chuckle. A turtle is walking down the street, when suddenly, out of a dark alley, two snails jump him and beat him up. Moments later, when the police arrive, and are questioning the turtle in his shaken and rattled state, they ask, "Ok, tell us exactly what took place"? The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast".

Mind Games

 I really appreciate the way my wife does her "honey do" list. She doesn't nag and she doesn't compile an actual list of things to do. I thinks she knows if she nags, I'll make life almost intolerable. Nagging is not really her style, anyway. If there's an actual list, I'll take sooo long to do it, I'll forget or lose the list (sometimes by accident), and she'll get sick and tired of telling me over and over, what's next. So her method is rather clever. She will actually start the project, and I'll come help once said project has commenced, then she'll leave me to finish. She realizes it pains me to see her use tools, or her version of tools (that will definitely be another happy hour discussion), either wrong or dangerously. So I'll jump in before she either hurts herself, or breaks whatever the project is, or breaks/loses the tool. All of this will eventually cost me money - trip to the hospital for stitches, buy material to fix the thing broken, or purchase lost tools. This is how I perceive what's going on concerning the "honey do" list. I probably have it all wrong, and she's used some kind of psychological mind control to make me think this way. It's not really for a man to figure out. Regardless, it works on me, I don't get upset, it usually doesn't cost me anything, and ultimately, I get the "honey do" list in her head complete. All is well, time to relax with a cold libation. But, as soon as I'm done with that, I need to go do .......

H2O

Summer time is well on its way, and that translates to playing in the water. Did you know though, that the human body needs 2.5 gallons of water a day, either through food or drink? Water is a valuable resource to all of us. The amount of water on the earth has not increased nor decreased throughout the history of the earth. The water we're drinking today has always been there, and could have been consumed by a prehistoric dinosaur at one time. It's estimated, the water we're using today has been recycled 7 to 10 times, depending on location. Try not to be too disgusted, you still have to take in 2.5 gallons today:) Instead of paying for water from the utilities to water our lawn and garden, we decided to get it for free. We found an online, do-it-yourself, plans to make a rain barrel. We had an old plastic barrel from a water softener, and reused that. We have $20 or less in converting it. It'll probably pay for itself by mid summer. Back to swimming though. There was a poll taken involving kids 6-12 years old. Only 17% of them admitted to ever peeing in a pool. I think that figure needs to be closer to 100%. And 75% of them thought that their public pool has never been peed in. Somebody needs to present these kids with the facts! On second thought, let them have their fun.

Let's Discuss Wine

Quite a few of you out there in cyberspace, know a lot more about wine than I do. But I purposely misspelled it to draw you in. I thought I would touch on the subject of "whining". We all do it to some extent. Some do it more than others, while a handful of us whine incessantly. Children are a good example of "whining". It's too hot, or it's to cold, or it's too long, or it's not long enough. "Do we have to leave now?", is one of my favorite "whines", because we're such horrible parents, we're cutting their fun short, even though everyone else is gone, and we're the last ones remaining! Conversely, when they're along with my wife and I, doing something we wanted to do, within 60 seconds they are asking "When are we going to leave. We've been here forever?". My #1, all time favorite whine is, "There's nothing to eat around here!". This unthankful cry for food usually comes after opening the refrigerator, and staring blankly at a wall of food for 5 minutes, that's ready to avalanche its way onto the kitchen floor. Then, they may walk to the pantry (we actually have 2 pantries containing invisible food), and rummage thru, moving box after box of cereal, that has been opened either for one initial bowl, or the prize contained inside, throwing aside half eaten bags of corn chips, boxes of granola bars, cans of soup, and every ingredient to make a batch of cookies (not to mention the cookies themselves), before their pitiful cry for sustenance. I think it's rather funny than irritating, that my children can't see the food we have, only the food we don't have. Apparently, if the grocery store has it, we should have it. I know when they're older, and living on their own, making their own money and decisions, all their stresses about food, the constant foraging, the never ending dissatisfaction of lack of variety, will all be a thing of the past..... until they have kids of their own:) Enough about "whine", let's talk it over with "wine".

No Poo

Have you heard of this "No Poo" movement? I know what your saying. But Kevin, My poo usually involves movement. Trust me, it's not the same. There is a group that claims if you stop using shampoo, the natural oils in your hair, over time, will soften and make your hair shiny. It claims that shampoo is harmful to you and the environment. I'm not really taking issue with that, but I do think you need to wash your hair with something other than baking soda and apple cider vinegar. The vinegar thing really throws me. If I add vinegar to oily hair, don't I have salad dressing? I think we're getting into the next generation of politically correct tree huggers. They need a new bandwagon or distraction from reality. I don't mind hippies at all, in fact, I have tendencies myself. I think we might be experiencing people who are so lazy, they can't even make the effort to lift their hands to their head, and scrub in some type of cleanser (whether it be natural or store bought), and rinse. The effort required would sap their energy to mislead the masses over something so ridiculous as boycotting shampoo. So next time you're at a concert, don't be surprised if the smell of vinegar overpowers the smell of marijuana. By the way, the "No Poo" thing is over. Now it's "No Toilet Paper". After #2 happens, let the protective crust harden, and it will chip right off a day or two later! Party on, poo heads!

Time For A Change

They say, "change is good". I try to agree with this age old adage, but sometimes "change" is hard. I would agree, it's probably beneficial to listen to your mother, and change your underwear before venturing out. But, it's extremely difficult to change a habit. I've heard it said that it takes 21 days to form a habit and 30 days to break a habit. I realize some habits have a greater degree of difficulty, because there is an actual physical change that takes place in the brain. An example would be breaking a habit of violence. Other habits, like biting your fingernails, probably don't require as much effort. Not too terribly long ago, my wife rearranged a few things in the kitchen. Since she is the culinary engineer in the household, she has the authority to carry out such duties. She's conducted time and efficiency studies to make the necessary improvements. There wasn't anything drastic (our kitchen isn't big enough for "drastic"), but just a few minor changes. She used to keep tea bags in a pantry cabinet next to the stove. Tea bags were in this location for quite some time. She has relocated them to a wire basket that hangs from a cabinet on the opposite side from where they used to be. Well I had formed the "habit" of looking in the pantry cabinet for tea bags, because I like to drink iced tea year around, and we always have some on hand. I haven't kicked the "habit" of looking for tea bags in that cabinet though. Instead, I've now formed the new "habit" of opening the pantry cabinet and immediately realizing I'm looking in the wrong place. I'm sure, once I break this frustrating habit, the tea bags will find a new location to reside. We're all about saving time and being more efficient at our house:)

Maximum Capacity

Does this blog make me look fat? Here I sit, turning into a lump of playdoh, typing , when I should be moving around. About 8 weeks ago, I put myself on a diet. A mild form of Adkins. I was about 194 lbs., my goal was to break the 185 lb. mark. I was very disciplined, and in 2 1/2 - 3 weeks, I bottomed out at 181 lbs. Since then, I've already gained back 5 lbs. The last few years my weight has fluctuated in 10 - 15 lb. swings at a time. Once I hit the age of 36, my metabolism changed. Since then, it's been a seesaw, a roller coaster, a pendulum, what other descriptive phrases can I come up with? Like an annoying friend who tells you the ending to the movie, ten minutes into it. Well, I may have to take drastic measures and do those two, dirty, 4 letter words, EXER & CISE! Yelling at the kids and throwing things at the dog, just aren't producing the results (in more ways than one) that I wanted. I should probably monitor what I eat a little closer too. I should force myself to eat with chop sticks. Since I don't know how, there may be some weight loss benefits. I wonder if that friend of mine (from the previous blog) has a few drops of urine to spare? Regardless, I have very flimsy excuses. There is a walking trail right outside of my back yard. All I have to do is dodge the land mines the dog leaves behind, open the gate (which I fixed, so that's not an excuse anymore), walk about 30 more feet, and I'm on the Field Club trail. It's 1.6 miles long, and I live near the south end, so round trip is 3 miles - perfect! So the 20 minutes I've been sitting here, I could be well on my way back by now. Certainly, I must have burned a few calories typing? I know I got my heart rate up when I mentioned the dog. I am overdue for a haircut, that has to be at least 3 - 4 lbs. right?

Bodily Functions

Why is it, when having a conversation with a child, the conversation inevitably turns south, and we find ourselves discussing poop or pee? Oh, you can try to change the subject, but once the topic is out there, the needle is stuck in the groove! Every answer after that is going to involve bodily functions, and they're going to laugh and laugh because they're a kid, and that's funny to kids. On Saturday, I was sitting, eating a donut with a friend of mine's son. He's a well behaved 3 year old, and I guess I was asking for it. I asked if he liked mustard on his donut. Of course his answer was a resounding NO! But this was an open invitation to the grossology exhibit. I then asked him if he liked ice cream. He shook his head yes, but when I asked him about ketchup on his ice cream, he turned his nose up. I don't know how the conversation, at this point, twisted, but one of the next topics that came up, was my butt. Uh oh, here we go. So after a couple of exchanges, I just got up from the table. I know it's rude, but a 3 year old doesn't take offense due to their attention span. Well, yesterday afternoon, I was talking to a friend and a relative of mine, and the topic came up of a mutual friend who is on a diet. Now this is the most bizarre diet I've ever heard of. It involves the urine from pregnant women to suppress the appetite. (I warned you). Next thing you know, we are three grown men cracking jokes about urine! Playing tricks on our friend with some Mountain Dew, walk out of the bathroom with a jar in our hand, freezing our waste product and putting in popsickle  sticks, etc., etc. After our friend bashing party, I left thinking, "I'm such a three year old". My conversations STILL spiral downward, satirizing bodily functions! Why is that so funny? I could just say the word "poop" completely out of context and I would get a few laughs.I guess it goes to show that boys grow to be men, but not really.

The Latest Fad

Have you ever stopped to think about what it would be like if overnight you went from average Joe to famous? I think of that British singer, Susan Boyle. One day, the world doesn't even know she exists, the next day, she's experiencing her 15 minute of fame. I personally have no talent that would set me apart from anyone else, but I think it would be cool if I invented something that no household should be without. Or invent the next game that would be the fad of the decade. You know, become a household name. I'm always amazed at the person who makes billions off of the simplest design, or they take something that people have been doing for decades, market it, and then sell it to the world. There's the hula hoop that the ancient Greeks used as a form of exercise. There's the frisbee, the hacky sack, the surf board, the yo-yo, and the list goes on and on. The yo-yo is believed to be the second oldest toy, behind the doll. I've been thinking about marketing a tablet of paper as "special airplane making paper". You can't buy just any old tablet paper, because it hasn't been aerodynamically tested. My paper is able to withstand the G forces it will experience after being tossed. My paper is guaranteed to fly farther than your average store bought paper. And yes, you can even still write on it, but only with a special pencil, that I'm still working on. It's also a "green" product that is recyclable. Do you think Walmart would push it for me? Is Ronco still around? I know pet rocks have already been done, but how about pet rock accessories?

Car Sick

Today I was in the back seat of someone's car for awhile and sometimes when riding around in stop and go traffic with the windows up, you can start to feel a little urpy. So we got to talking about being car sick and what we hate about riding in the back seat. My friend had quoted a Norm McDonald sketch about riding in the back. I had to agree with everything and I think you'll agree too. Sometimes, when you're a little car sick, it's best to roll down the window and get some fresh air. Cars are designed for people in the front seat though, not the rear. If you're in the front seat, you get a nice refreshing, gentle breeze. The back seat gets hurricane force winds that wrap your hair around your face and blow scraps of paper out the window. The seat belts in the back seat don't seem like they meet safety regulations. It's like, these seat belts are unsafe, we better put them in the back seat. Then, if there are 5 people in the car, only 2 can sit in the front seat, that means 3 have to sit in the back. You got it, the one in the middle has to sit on the hump! Besides, the hump is like 6" higher than the other 2 seats, so you have to slightly tilt your head forward because it hits the ceiling. Also, if you drew the short straw, and got the hump seat, you're constantly trying to keep from awkwardly falling all over onto the people you're sitting next to when you turn a corner. You really can't be a part of the front seat conversation either. You're always leaning forward with your head between the seats, only getting 50% of what's being said. And, of course, the radio and the air conditioning are conveniently set for the front seat passengers. The rear passengers are discriminated against. Anyway, it was a fun observation, but I feel I should start a movement for the equal rights of back seat passengers:)

Look Out!

My oldest daughter turns 15 this year and she's somewhat obsessed with driving. So I'm giving everybody advanced notice, we're coming to YOUR neighborhood to practice driving and parking skills! Just kidding:) So we've checked (pardon me, my wife checked) into insuring a student driver, because you never know when, not if, they're going to bump someone else's car, or accidentally run into a mail box or fence, or even do a lawn job (no wait, that was me). Of course I expected everything to be more expensive than when I was her age. Plus, there are good student discounts, which I don't think were ever offered to me. So I hope and pray she doesn't do anything too stupid in her teen years to adversely affect her driving privilege for the future. She has also looked into the price of cars. What she likes and what she will be able to afford are two different things. I think it might have been a little wake up call. Regardless, I'm sure she will need help, just as I needed help with my first car. I bought a 1972 VW Karmann Ghia for $200. It had an oil leak that needed fixed. One weekend, my step dad and myself decided to fix it. Had the motor out and ready to put back by lunchtime. We thought we would take a break and go eat a sandwich. While we're eating, we saw flames shooting from the garage! The furnace in the garage kicked on and the pilot light had ignited a pan of parts that were soaking in gasoline. It caught the car on fire and roasted the whole back end of the car. It was a total loss. But, I still had an engine, because it was sitting off to the side. I had owned that car for only 2 weeks. In about another 2 weeks, we found a 1969 VW Bug with no engine. Paid $150, and put the engine in and drove that car for the next 4 years! If that car could talk, I'd probably still be grounded:) Got any good "first car" stories? Please, do tell.

Posted Times

By the way, I've noticed the times posted on my blog are way off. There are some of them that say 5:00 AM. Not really happening. My alarm doesn't go off until 5:45 and I usually hit the snooze at least once. I'm not sure how to fix it, so don't think I'm a super early bird and you can call me at 5:00 in the morning. Now that I've told some of you NOT to, you're going to anyway, aren't you?

Wrong Side of the Bed

Had a dream last night, now keep in mind, I usually recall about 2 dreams a year, so it would be nice if it were a good one. Well this one didn't turn out so good. I dreamt I was making a pot of coffee. I had the water already in and I left the lid open while I was grinding the beans. While I was grinding (which must have taken forever), somebody snuck into our house with a handful of those helicopter seeds that maple trees drop, and threw it in the water reservoir of my coffee maker. You know the seeds I'm talking about. The ones that fall EVERYWHERE, and get into every ORIFICE just in MY yard! I was furious! I almost had a Tourett's moment! I started looking around the house to see who did the drive by molesting of my coffee maker, but to no avail. Then my alarm went off. So now I'm somewhat awake, but I want to go back to sleep so I can hunt down the "perp" in my dream. Being the vigilante that I am, I'm not sure what I would have done. It was probably good that my alarm went off, and he was saved by the bell. Maybe when I fall asleep tonight, I'll pick up the manhunt where I left off. Chances are, I won't even remember my next dream, and another criminal will get off the hook again. I wonder how Freud would interpret that one?

Yawn

I don't know if this is a medical condition or not, but I cannot stay awake for any amount of time to read a book. It doesn't matter how much sleep I've had , or the amount of coffee I've consumed, when I sit down to read something, I start to doze off. I really hate it when I do the big, open mouthed, cobra yawn, and spray venomous saliva all over what I'm reading. And it's not just books! I can be sitting at the computer screen, and my eyelids will start to feel as if I have something slowly tugging them downward. Next thing you know, I look like a professional boxer, bobbing and weaving. I kind of have to laugh at myself when I've drifted, and then out of nowhere, I let out one decibel shattering SNORE, and wake myself up! This is great fodder for my family to get in a few pokes at the old man. So, when family and friends start talking about the literature they've read lately, and how good it was, I feel a little left out of the party. I hate it when they look at me like I've read the same thing they have, and they give me that look like, you have to agree with me because you've certainly read that, right? It makes me feel like when I was in school and I didn't finish my homework, and the teacher gave me one of those looks of utter disappointment. I am a good listener though. Maybe all you bookworms out there would be willing to humor me, and we could have story time:) 

Mary Mary Quite Contrary

Boy, Mary has nothing on me this year! Since this spring has been so mild, everything in the garden is doing wonderful. So far, I think everything we've planted seems to be coming up and doing rather well. Tomatoes are over a foot high, peppers are at least 6" high, lettuce, radishes, onions, are all thriving. I even bought some ferns through a mail order catalog, which can sometimes be disappointing, and they're taking off! This has to be one of the most even keeled springs we've had in a long time. I know I just jinxed it, and it's going to shoot to 90 degrees overnight, and the clouds are going to start twirling. But I just love the color green this time of the year. I don't even mind mowing the lawn. Mind you, I'm usually sneezing the whole time I'm out there, but I'd rather be there than behind the computer screen. The rain this year has also been very cooperative. Seems like when it's about time to turn on the sprinkler, the forecast says," rain tomorrow", and it does just that. Plus, they haven't been flash flood rains. Just gentle, even, timed just right, million dollar rains (if you ask a farmer). I could deal with this all year long, but, this season seems to be way too short. Before you know it, it's blazing hot and humid, and everything green needs a drink on a daily basis. I've come to appreciate spring much more, the older I get. I'm sick of winter 3 weeks into it. I just want something green to look at. Maybe I could get some grass stains on my pants and hide them from my wife, so she doesn't wash them:)

Greenhorn

OK, here we go. What I consider my first official RANT! My job is not really that crucial. I don't save lives, run governments, or control the economic structure of the world. But I feel I'm pretty good at what I do and I've been doing the same thing for 25 years now. Might not make me an expert, but I feel more qualified than most. Well, we did our job to the best of our ability (which is pretty darn spectacular I might add), and we had somebody who was given a certain amount of authority, make a judgment call concerning our job. Prior to starting the job, I discussed it with the person I work with (who has another 11 years experience) on how to approach it. We came to a conclusion and proceeded from start to finish. Two other people were also notified of our plan of action, and reasoned that our plan was the best way possible. When this young "professional" was informed of our decision, he had to see it for himself and critique what was done. Since he gets to wear the big boy pants, he decided we need to change a critical part of the design. So, let's throw experience, reason, aesthetics, and the majority approval out the window and do it my way, says the team of one. Now we have to undo a perfectly good, acceptable job, and redo it the WRONG way. Here's what's going to be funny. When the client sees it for the first time, they're going to ask why the design isn't balanced? We'll have to tell them the boss didn't want it that way:) Funny thing is, we're being paid for the first time, we're going to be compensated for the "new and improved" way, and I am guessing we'll be paid to change it back to the correct way. I really shouldn't complain. It's jackasses like him that make the rest of us look good and keep us in business. (So mad I almost spilled my beer).

Freedom of Expression

The first amendment to the Bill of Rights says, I have freedom of expression. That's a great thing but, I personally think it comes with great responsibility. I can't just spout off without there being consequences. I have to be careful what I say and write because my purpose has nothing to do with controversial subjects. This is not my political platform. On the other hand, I love it when children are learning to talk and express themselves, formulate their own thoughts and produce sentences that are grammatically incorrect and amusing. It's funny also, when they make up their own vocabulary and expect you to understand. They know the thought they're trying to convey, why aren't YOU getting it?! An amusing thing my daughter used to say was the homemade word, "lasternight". She morphed "last night" and "yesterday" together, thus the word, "lasternight". A friend of mine was telling me a story about his son. They had gone to his mother's house one Sunday morning for a pancake breakfast. They arrived to find grandma in the kitchen with her "cooking bra" on, making pancakes. "Cooking bra" is the technical term among 4 year olds, for the word "apron". What's even more fun, is to take these innocent and endearing phrases and put them to music. This is somewhat difficult because adult singer/songwriters have to make the jump backwards in age to accomplish this. One such artist you may have heard of is, Dan Zane. Check out his music even if you don't have kids. It's fun and catchy. Kookookachu for now.http://www.danzanes.com/pages/news.php

Andy Rooney

My wife tells me this blog that I've started, is very Andy Rooneyish. I think I'm flattered? Actually, I aspire to be so recognizable, either by my writing style or in appearance. He's been such a mainstay for so many years, he's iconic. The similarities I see are first, the way he and I look at and perceive things. I'm not a comedian by any stretch, but I have fun asking the questions that aren't obvious, yet should be obvious. I enjoy taking a statement and turning it into a run on sentence that makes no sense, but if thought about long enough, makes perfect sense. And I do enjoy a clever or profound saying and elaborating on it. I pretty much take what's already been done or said, and do it again, but with more words. Some of the differences between Andy and I are really like comparing fraternal twins as opposed to identical twins. I'm old, he's older. I'm a blogger for several days now, he's a TV and radio personality for several years. He has got a college degree in journalism, I know how to spell "journalism". He makes lots of money, I like the color red. See we're a lot alike:) Now, I just need a major TV station to offer me a job (other than janitorial) to launch my career. You know, I would even consider something like QVC. Imagine the fun I could have with that! 

How Do They Do That?

Watched some of the NBA playoffs last night. I'm not a huge NBA fan, but I think I'm having football withdrawals. But, I must admit, those guys are some amazing athletes! To see a guy 6' 8" move, juke, float through the air among others giants of the hardwood, and still be able to score points is awesome. Somehow these guys defy gravity. When they make a move to the hoop and slam it, they are so far away on their takeoff  that it would still be a 12 foot jump shot for me. And how does a guy that tall remain so coordinated? Even his head band matches. The speed is incredible. Seems like 5 strides and they're down the court. It takes me the whole month of March to sprint that far. The 2 tallest people I know happen to be 6'7" and 6'8". I mean no disrespect to either of these guys if they happen to read this at some time, but they're slow! They make me look as if I'm the Greek god of thunder, lightning, & basketball. I'm not sure if either one can even dunk a basketball! Maybe at some time in their life they could, but now? I think I may know some of the NBAers' secrets though. Obviously a new pair of tennis shoes will increase your speed, jumping ability, and your patented behind the back, over the shoulder, under your shirt move. The big secret is tattoos. The more body art, the bigger the distraction. You ever tried to get close enough to a car in traffic to read a bumper sticker? Same concept. Other guys are just trying to see what that tattoo said instead of playing defense, which, in turn gives the guy with the ball the opportunity to showboat. I think there should be a rule against performance enhancing body art:)

Puzzles

Have you ever played sudoku? It's the Japanese numbers game where you fill in the boxes and no 2 numbers can be in the same grid of boxes or in line with each other. That game is an addiction! Like crack, but with mustard on it! I know some of you out there don't see the big deal, but once you finish your first one, it's a personal challenge to not be conquered by the numbers. It involves logic and elimination. It makes you think completely different than say a crossword puzzle, which, I happen to enjoy also. They say you need to keep exercising your brain just as you would a muscle, which may or may not help prevent senility. There are times though, that senility would be a good excuse:) I thought about writing this blog in code for you all to decipher and get your puzzle solving tools working, but you would probably think I was really on crack with mustard or senile. Or some government, undercover, terrorist fighting, code breaking, supercomputer mind, would decipher it wrong, and next thing you know I have a free room with a view at Gitmo and a cell mate who views sudoku as something vile to his religion! (Yeah, sometimes I'm not politically correct). Well, I think it might be time to go get my cerebral metabolism going. "Got my penceeel. Hey, gimme somethin' to write on man!"

Happy Hour

Our first official "Happy Hour" kicked off last night. It was a bit cold, but we built a fire, turned on the patio heater, donned sweatshirts and blankets, and had a good time. Had some excellent finger food. It helps when you invite people who like to cook, and tell them to bring an appetizer. Along with food, another person brought homemade beer. It was extremely tasty. My 6 year old said something last night that is still ringing in my head. I may have to get a neon sign made, and this is going to be our requisite for "Happy Hour". She said, "Since this is happy hour, we shouldn't talk about sad things". I'm so proud of her, and her ability to reason this on her own makes me resolve that she's my kid. This was exactly my goal, I just couldn't put it in simpler words. Well done! Here's to my daughter!

A Screw Loose

A friend of mine recently moved into a new house. Not brand new, just new to them. As you can imagine, over the years you acquire quite a bit of extra baggage. So if you're moving to a new location, there's probably a certain amount of  "stuff" you probably don't want to drag across the country with you. At the time you bought the "stuff", you reasoned in your mind that you needed aforementioned "stuff" to go with your "things". So now is the time to scale back and get rid of the "things" you don't want or need, and decide whether or not to have a garage sale to sell your "stuff" to people who need "things" to go with their "stuff". So back to my friends. He had 4 buckets he referred to as his "magic buckets". One contained pluming parts and connections. A second contained leftover electrical wire, wire nuts, and any small piece you would need for electrical work. The third contained small mechanical parts for automobiles, lawnmowers, and anything motorized. The last one was just a bucket of nuts, bolts, washers, anchors, screws, etc. etc. Really, no household should be without at least bucket #4. Well, his wife said they had to scale back and he had to get rid of his "magic bucket" system. First of all, I can't tell you how many times I have gone to my nuts and bolts coffee can in the garage to find something, and hit the jackpot! My coffee can has produced many times over the years, and each time I dip into the can and find exactly what I need, I make sure everyone in the house knows I saved 15 cents and a trip to the hardware store, because the coffee can once again came thru in a pinch. It's too late now, but I told my friend he could have brought the "magic buckets" to my house and assimilated them back into his house over time. Now he has to start over by purchasing "stuff" for his new "things", and when he has extra  screws, the "magic bucket" system will be back! 

Uninspired

Have you ever had to come up with a presentation, or a good gift idea, or something to write about in your blog, and you just felt uninspired? Of course you have, we all have at some time in our life. Well I thought I would talk about UNinspiration. Yeah, I know it's not a word. Thanks spellcheck. There are people who seem to have it together, whatever "it" is. They're always coming up with good ideas and fun things to do. Then there's the rest of us. At the times I feel uninspired, it's as if I'm wearing the same clothes day after day. Maybe it's a form of depression. I'm sure I'm not depressed at this moment, just uninspired. What seems to pull out a person out of it? At what point do you turn the corner and start coming up with clever ideas? For instance, last night for dinner we had just plain old roast beef sandwiches, and it was my idea. Why didn't I put a slice of tomato on it? I guess I did put horseradish on it, only because I like to feel pain sometimes when I eat. I appreciate and at the same time feel a little irritated at those clever people who seem to pull things together at the last minute so everyone has a good time. Maybe exercise would help get the creative proverbial juices flowing again. OK, I'm back. I had to lay down for about 45 minutes until that last thought went away. OK, conclusion is this; the human psyche experiences highs and lows, and sometimes there has to be a mental coffee break (maybe even a literal coffee break). So, I'm going to try changing my clothes, slicing a tomato, stretch after a nap (exercise), hug and then slap someone inspirational, and we'll see what happens.

Equality

I'm OK with equality. If a woman can do a job as good or even better than a man, she's the 'man' for the job. She even deserves to be paid according to her ability and not her gender. I would definitely be OK with it, if my wife were the breadwinner. I could be Mr. Mom. She could keep me home, barefoot and pregnant. I can cook, plan meals, and babysit. I babysit adults now! I can wash clothes if everybody's OK with wearing pink. Sometimes, though, I feel I'm the one who's been slighted, not got a fair shake. For instance, my wife buys a cheap shampoo and conditioner for myself and the kids. There's nothing wrong with that because we don't have any special hair needs or issues. But one day, she gave the dog a bath after being out in the rain and mud. Keep in mind, this is the same dog mentioned in an earlier blog (I encourage you to reread that one). So I'm sitting on the couch and he's sitting next to the couch letting me pet him. And I catch a whiff of something that smells really good. I lean over and smell the dog and he smells like coconut. Usually I keep my nose a safe distance from him, but this time he smelled as if he'd been applying the Coppertone and lying in the sun. I commented to my wife how good the dog smelled and I wasn't aware that dog shampoo came in coconut scent. She replied, "Oh, it's not dog shampoo, it's the same shampoo you and the kids use". I was curious why she used our shampoo. Well I guess it's cheaper than dog shampoo. This irked me a little. First, I thought my wife thinks more of the dog than the kids and I? Then I realized, the people who make pet shampoo are the ones who think more of my dog than the kids and I? In fact, they think more of animals than of humans, that's why they cater to animals. They're not really interested in you as the pet owner, rather, how much money you would be willing to spend on your precious canine. So, if some CEO of some pet product ever asked me for a drink of water, well, I would tell them that I am concerned about their well being just as much as our four legged friends well being. Let me oblige you, I'll go lift up the toilet seat!  

Yummy!

Just finished eating some food that most people wouldn't think of putting together. Nothing quite as odd as Elvis' peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, but a little quirky. Take cottage cheese and crumble up saltine crackers in it. Mmm Mmm good. Another thing I like, and this one will make you think before shoveling it in, is orange slices in a bowl with italian dressing on it. I have a daughter who likes peanut butter and salami sandwiches, and a cousin who used to eat (he may have outgrown this) mayonnaise and jelly sandwiches. So if you have an unusual palate and want to share your culinary delights, by all means, leave a comment. If it sounds gross, and is gross, I can probably get one bite down with a beer chaser! 

A Day Late

I've always been impressed at quick witted people. How did they come up with that response so quickly? How does their brain work to get to that conclusion? Usually it's in response to something I've said that makes me look like I just got out of diapers. (OOH BURN). And it's inevitable, I think of a comeback or clever response hours after I've been zinged. There is a name for this. It's "treppenwitz". German origin, means wit or joke of the stairs, or stairway wit. It describes the predicament of thinking of the right comeback too late. Any witty or clever remark that comes to mind too late to be useful - when one is on the "staircase" leaving the scene. It doesn't bother me too much when I'm the butt of a joke. Helps keep me humble, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't be allowed to laugh at others. When the teasing seems to be relentless though, what I do to bring it to an end is think of something to cut myself down even more so than the person ribbing me. They get a laugh and think "How do I top that?". You have to be careful who you tease though. If you've teed off against another quick witted person, be prepared to be fired back at. It may come down to slamming each other's moms. I find it best to just hug and then go have a beer together.

Shaving

I'm going to be upfront - I hate shaving! But I'm in a bit of a quandary, because I can't stand having a beard either. After 3 or 4 days, I feel like I need a flea dip. Camping for 4 days made me and sasquatch look like we may have had the same mother. Boy, that first shower after getting home from camping sure feels good. I had developed a protective crust over my body. Now, our shower head has multiple settings, so I found the one that works like a Water Pik works for your teeth, and turned it on full throttle, and held on! That things blasts through concrete body funk, into orifices not easily reached. I think that word, 'orifice', is a funny word. What do you think of when you hear the word, 'orifice'? Back to shaving. Shaving was torture in its most heinous form. I always start with my neck. Mind you, I put a brand new razor in with the 3 blades and the blue comfort strip. Comfort strip my @$#! I now know what skinning a grizzly feels like! As I'm sawing through my beard, it sounded just like that. A hand saw cutting through wood! By the time I was finished with my neck, the brand new blade was screaming for mercy and so was I! Well, I plowed through and completed the the whole nightmarish ordeal. Afterward, I noticed that I got a little bit of sunshine while being outdoors for the majority of 4 days, and had my farmer tan working for me. Except the area I just shaved. Yup, albino white. Get me a pair of floppy clown shoes, I'm off to join the circus.

Happy Campers

Well, here they are. Myself and my mushroom posse. What a blast! After we found our first little morsel of magic, it was a personal challenge to make the forest submit more of these little beauties. We were like bloodhounds, noses down in the dirt, digging, turning over every leaf. I even stopped to pee on a tree. Had to mark my territory in case other mushroom seekers had their nose to the ground. Anyway, we swiped probably 30 morels! They were a bit small because of the cool weather, but this week I'm sure they're going to explode. It's not proper etiquette to ask a mushroom hunter where he hides his stash, but I will happily give up my secret. (I'm whispering now) It's in Iowa. There, you know. I think our next camping trip should be somewhere in France. I would like to take my highly trained team of fungus sniffers on a truffle journey. They're even harder to find than morels, plus you have the language barrier. Listen to me. I sound like a mushroom expert, when all we did was find a couple of handfuls of morels after our first time out. Regardless, I probably saved $3.00 by spending the good part of a day hunting, and not succumbing to the morel extortioners! I think I'll put that savings toward our France mission. In the meantime, I'm going to bone up on my French and drink some wine.