Hope You're Not That Person!

Seems there one in every circle of friends. There's always somebody who comes into a conversation halfway thru and gets only the part of the conversation that California fires are started with. This is how rumors get going. It's kind of fun to actually let them go for awhile instead of squelching them from the start. Next thing you know, you're involved with a much older woman who really isn't a woman and she turns out to be pregnant but she can't be pregnant because she's really a man and the baby isn't yours at least one of the twins isn't yours and he snuck into the country after assassinating the dictator of a third world planet! See, wasn't that fun and exciting? Now who can I forward this to?:)

Mushrooms

I'm going camping this weekend. I'm not saying where, because I'm planning on giving my hand at hunting for morels. I've never actually found any, so I'm not holding my breath. And I'm aware that I am competing against the deer and all those greedy bastards that started hunting last week. I'm sure they've put a hurtin' on the supply. What really peeves me is when you see them parked on the side of the road selling their booty for $17.95/lb. I've only had morels twice in my life and I'm 43 now. Each time I got 1 mushroom - barely a taste! I'm extremely overdue. And I have a daughter who loves mushrooms and I would be thrilled if she could try one for the first time. So all you greedy hoarders of the highly coveted little fungi, YOU BETTER SAVE SOME FOR ME! If I don't find a mother lode, then I'll just stop this year and begrudgingly pay you your extortion money. If I new how to stick my tongue out with words, I would be doing that right now! I hope you accidentally eat a slug. See you in the forest:)

Friends

Friends are important. Some say they can do without friends and they probably can. These "friendless" people are not risk takers and lead boring lives. Friendship itself is a risk. How do you know your new friend isn't an axe murderer or a Republican? You really need people in your life to help you take risks or to talk them into the risk to see what happens. Friends will help get you into trouble and good friends will help get you back out. If you don't have friends, how will you years later, sit around and tell stories unless you had somebody there to go through it with you? You start off saying, 'Remember the time...?', and next thing you know, you're both laughing so hard you can't finish the story! If nobody was around to to document your stupidity, nobody would believe your stories. So make friends, make things happen, and blog about it. Cheers!

Cool

Watched a movie tonight set in the 80's. All I can say is "WOW"! I'm speechless! I was cool in the 80's, but the 80's weren't cool. I'm happy I lived through them. It's kind of nice having the memories and the fact that I was there, I can give a firsthand account to my children. I think it's rather humorous to see some of the styles making their way back into department stores. There are things that my children want to buy and when I tell them I had one or wore one, they look at me as if I would be an absolute embarrassment to myself and them if I were dressed in such a thing now. For instance, Members Only jackets. The company has made a comeback and the jackets are as popular now as they were then. The only reason I wouldn't wear one now is that they cost $50 more than they did then:) Same story with Vans. You can actually go to their website and build your own. Expensive! It would still be fun to resurrect the old look. Hawaiian shirt, 501 jeans, Members Only jacket, Vans (no socks), eating pop rocks while playing space invaders, and getting my groove on to some Cheap Trick! What am thinking! Better get me something to drink to bring me back to reality. Does anybody have a Bartles & Jaymes or mix me a fuzzy navel? 

Mondays

Yes, that's right , it's Monday again. There seems to be one every week. I think only people who cut hair actually enjoy Mondays, because they get the day off. Everyone else dreads it for the fact it's the beginning of another week of forced labor. Even the name "Monday" does NOT stir up excitement. Maybe it's the way you say it. Take your fingers and put them at each corner of your mouth and push up. Now, think about puppies, or unicorns, or '67 Pontiac GTO's, and then say "Monday". Did that make a difference? Yeah, me either. I guess that's why happy hour was created.

Snakes!

Saw my first garter snake yesterday. My wife called while I was on my way home for lunch, somewhat freaked out about all the garter snakes invading her personal comfort zone. Ever since last spring, she's not a big fan of snakes. Oh, I haven't told you that story yet! One beautiful, sunny spring morning, she's walking to the patio with a cup of coffee and a good book (sounds like a relaxing and tranquil moment), and she hears a rustling in the tree above her. She looks up to see a bird directly above her head. As she was looking up, she heard a PLOP right in front of her. Immediately she thought the bird had pooped in her coffee. She takes a moment to stop and examine her coffee cup to see if she had any extra condiments floating, when she notice a snake wriggling at her feet! The bird was attempting to eat the snake and, well, you can figure out the rest. Now, I personally haven't tried coffee with snake in it, but I'm sure there's a Starbucks somewhere in the world where you might be able to try this. So back to my story. I came home and, being the Conquerer of evil and Defender of all that is good, bought snake repellent, that's right, snake repellent, and sprinkled it in a few strategic areas where we've seen snakes, or snakes might be seen, or where snakes think they might like to visit. Regardless, my duty as a superhero is just beginning for the year. But armed with my trusty shovel and my new snake repellent, I'm ready to defend my little plot of land from the evil critters of South Omaha!

Level?

Had a discussion today at work about "level". With most construction projects, you try to make your work as level as possible. Sometimes it's impossible depending on prior circumstances. In that case, you try to make it "flat". Now "flat" and "level" are 2 different things. "Flat" can be out of level, but "level" has to be flat. Seems "flat" can do whatever it wants, but "level" is held to certain physical laws of the universe that it's not allowed to break. Now it was explained to me that "level" has to be parallel with the horizon, and that water seeks its own level. Think about this. If the earth is round, can we actually make something "level"? If water seeks its own level, why does it follow the curve of the earth? I'm sure there's some scientific remedy involving gravity and the tensile strength of water and blah, blah, blah. But if I have one leg shorter than the other, this is all a bunch of hooey, and I'm all in favor of "flat"!

The Dog

Walked the dog this morning. It was probably the highlight of his week. He gets so excited about going for walk, but yet he can't run free, he has to slow down to my pace, and he's constantly gagging because he wants to pull and I keep him on a short leash. It has to be a painful experience, but I could go get his leash right now and he'd be ready to do it all over again. He's got a lovable personality, but wasn't endowed with too much going on upstairs. At times (actually quite a few), he can be rather frustrating. When we first got him, I wanted to name him "dammit" because I knew this dog was going to send me to the edge on a regular basis and I figured that name would be fitting. As I was yelling at him, he would not only learn his name, but I would be venting some steam. I'm always trying to be efficient that way. But NOOOO, I was overruled, and the dog was named Cooper instead. In my mind, when I say his name now, it's synonymous with a curse word anyways. One positive outlook, he drives me to drink!

Allergies

Allergy season is back and I've sooo been looking forward to it. If you suffer from allergies, raise your hand. OK, put your hand down and wipe your nose. Did you sense my bit of sarcasm in the first sentence? That's hard to express in just words. If I'm sarcastic, I want to make sure everybody knows! Can you tell I've taken allergy medication? Do my words look jittery? This is a test of my family's love for me when I'm under the influence of the little blue evil allergy pill. I'm totally aware of my evil doppleganger and find myself mad at nothing even when nobody's around. I know they say you're not supposed to consume alcohol while on medication, but I may make an exception. I promise I won't operate heavy equipment soon after.

Questions of the universe

Why is it that water out of the bathroom faucet always seems colder than water out of the kitchen faucet? I've asked a plumber this question and he just laughed at me. Then he stood there for a second pondering the question, and said "I don't know, that's a good question". I think I know the answer to this next question. When my wife makes me a sandwich, it always tastes better than if I had made it myself. I can use the exact same ingredients but hers is inevitably better. I think when I'm making one for myself it's just to fill a void. When she makes it for me, I think it's made with love. That's all I got. OK, last one. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Talk about this one during happy hour or over the dinner table tonight and see what you come up with. Please be careful how you answer.

Coffee

I know tea is the most consumed beverage in the world, but in my world it's coffee! Love the hot quaff. I was recently talking to someone who was taking a poll on coffee drinkers. First, keep in mind, this is an unofficial poll conducted by the individual only, and is not necessarily the opinion and views of this blog. Had to put that in there when you're dealing with a touchy subject such as a cup of joe, to keep the lawyers off my back. Back to the poll. He asked coffee drinkers if they used cream and/or sugar, or if they drank it black. The next question was whether they were raised in the country or in a city. He hasn't kept a count (I told you it was unofficial), but he finds more people who drink their coffee black, were raised in a rural community. This is the opposite of what you would think, because who has convenient access to fresh cream? Wouldn't it be the farmers? Just when you think you know everything.

Consider this a curse!

OK, here's another idiom to confuse your life a little more. How about "rule of thumb"? I looked up a definition, here's what I came up with:

A rule of thumb is a principle with broad application that is not intended to be strictly accurate or reliable for every situation. It is an easily learned and easily applied procedure for approximately calculating or recalling some value, or for making some determination. 

So, extremely vague, but the boundaries are a little clearer than the last frustrating idiom I blogged about. Question though. Whose thumb would you consider using to establish a rule? I would think an adult's thumb first of all, because children should not make rule's for adults unless you're playing a child's game (which are ALWAYS subject to change in the middle of the game to benefit the child ONLY). And can a thumb act alone in making rules? The thumbs on my hands are practically useless unless a finger or two assist. You could say "they're all thumbs". OMG get me off this merry go round before I get sick! 

A Good Laugh

Laughing is contagious. Ever laugh so hard you almost peed or milk came out of your nose? Laugh so hard you have a pain in your ribcage and your face hurts from smiling? Usually those moments you remember vividly and make for funny stories later. I've got a good one for ya'. A guy I used to work with, you could swear he was homeless living in a cardboard box somewhere under a bridge. But he wasn't. In fact he had a beautiful home with a wonderfully landscaped yard. He just didn't spend much time in personal matters. Anyway, one day he had to go back to a new house he had worked on previously and do some touch up work. The homeowner asked him if he could please remove his shoes since their carpet was off white and only 3 months old. He obliged. He removed the first shoe to reveal all of his toes sticking out of the end of his sock. It gets better. He removed the second shoe and he only had a sock band tucked into his shoe! He went about his work and when finished, put his shoes back on and took the time to tuck the sock band back into the shoe. I guess at this point you've already gone through the humility so what's the difference. Regardless, funny story! Time to go clean the mess under the desk now. TTFN (ta ta for now).

Vacation

Planning a short vacation over Memorial weekend. Heading out to Manitou Springs, CO. It's a fun little town at the foothills of Pike's Peak, right next door to Garden of the Gods. It's like stepping back in time to the 60's & 70's. Just about every store is run by either an old hippie or a new age hippie or somebody with an unusual amount of quirkiness. The stores are unique also. You're going to look a long time for a Gap, Old Navy, Borders, Starbucks, or a Burger King. You actually have to leave the town to find these stores. I think my favorite store was The Dulcimer Shop. All handmade musical instruments by the former mayor. When you meet this guy, he's the anti George Bush. Last time I saw him, he was wearing clogs, wool socks, a kilt, a tye dyed t-shirt, and could have doubled for Jerry Garcia. There is also an arcade there thats been in existence for I don't know how many years. It's only open for part of the season because 50% of it's outdoors. There are quite a few antique games that only cost from a penny to a dime to play, and then there's the horse racing! It's a kicked up version of ski ball and your horse moves down the track the more points you rack up. You're playing against probably nine other people and you win tickets to redeem for prizes. Did I mention it's only 25 cents to play? Of course, I go because my kids love it so much. (yeah, right). Even the smell of the town draws you in. Fresh roasted coffee and the smell of patchouli. Brings out the hippie in you, and we all know I have a few hippie tendencies anyway. Time to dig out the flip flops, hear I come Manitou!

Man Cave

I know a few men who, instead of going thru a mid life crisis and leaving their wives for younger women, have invested money in their homes to transform part of it into their man cave. Women are welcome, but there are certain unwritten rules that have to be acknowledged by every patron. Burping, flatulents, feet on furniture, these things are not only acceptable but expected. One man cave I know of makes women feel very uncomfortable when you walk into the bathroom there is only a urinal - no toilet! Might as well put a sign on the door that says " No Girls Allowed - Welcome to the He-man Woman Haters Club"! I must say, as I am writing this, I'm a bit envious of those who have the room to do this in their home. My house is too small and we've used every last inch. I might be able to convert a closet, but how do you get a 54" big screen into a closet, and then invite buddies over? My solution was to move to the outdoors. I've built a kickin' deck with an equally impressive patio. Kind of has that whole urban California feel to it. And I think I've solved the urinal solution. Take a look at this! www.urilift.com Cheers!

Remember?

I'm sure this has happened to all of us. You're cruisin' thru your day and all of a sudden something takes you back to your childhood. Or you experience dejavu and weren't even expecting it. Its cool and a little alarming at the same time. I wonder what the scientific explanation is for this occurrence? I'm sure some medical nerd has the answer:) Regardless, when this happens to me, I start to remember other occurrences that happened concurrently or other instances similar to that one that may have happened at another time. Memories are cool that way. Be sure to share them with someone! 

Nerd

Ever see the tv show "Chuck". I love that show. And the name of the business within the " Buy More", the "Nerd Herd". Hilarious! I'm sure we all know somebody like that, or better yet, maybe we ARE that person. What exactly is a nerd? I think it used to be somebody who was an extreme introverted expert at computers, science, numbers cruncher, etc. etc. I think the term has morphed over the years and anyone can be labeled a "nerd" in whatever they're an expert at doing. So you could say the person who wears the pocket protector and Buddy Holly glasses is labeled the computer nerd, as well as the person wearing the leather jacket and carrying a wrench in his/her back pocket, a Harley Davidson nerd. I know people who are knowledgeable of many subjects. They could be labeled "ubernerds". Look that one up in your dictionary all you spelling bee nerds! If you refuse to be labeled a nerd along with the rest of mankind, you're either an extremely boring individual with no interests or ambition, or you're dead. So let's welcome one another into whatever species of nerdism we fall under and have a drink.

What?

Boy, Lot's of things going thru my head today! Must be a Monday! First of all, funny quote I heard over the weekend. "The cost of travel has become very expensive, but each day we all get a free trip - around the sun":) Ahhh, the sunshine. Margaritas, or better yet, mojitos! Caught a glimpse of the new DMB cd to be released in June. Hoping to go see them later this year. What an incredible band! I would love to have them stop by for Sunday brunch or happy hour some time to just chill and talk for awhile. I'm sure 4,862,315 other fans would like that too. Subject change. Ever notice how some things are supposed to be good for you but can have some unforeseen backlash effect? For instance, peppers (spicy) could be good for your arthritis and for warding off unwanted microscopic bugs, but yet , the next morning your anus doubles as a flame thrower! What a cruel trick for those of us who enjoy the fiery things in life. Subject change again. I've been wanting to play in the dirt lately. Not like a pig, but rather a farmer. I want to plant and watch it grow. My wife says I've been stalking the greenhouses, nurseries, and my favorite farmer's market. Can I get in trouble for that? You should see my nursery catalogs. It looks like the scratch sheet at the horse races. Subject change for a third time! We're coming into spring which is tornado season here in the midwest. Here's a link I lived through when I was 9 years old. Incredible footage from the Aksarben racetrack. The tornado finished up just a couple of blocks from my house. Since then, I have a healthy respect for tornados. ciao for now.  www.omaha5675.org 

Herbie

Just finished watching "Herbie the Love Bug". What a great, funny, clean, and entertaining movie! It was made in 1967 - a much more innocent time. I love the cars too. They were even less complicated. Today, everything we work with or consume or drive, seems much more complicated. The younger generation seem to handle it pretty well, but how difficult will life be for them in another 30 years? I don't even want to try to comprehend the mess I'll find myself in. Hell, I can't even figure out how to download (is that the correct term?) a picture for my blog profile! Regardless, watch the movie and enjoy a simpler time in recent human history. Cheers.

Unanswered

There are many things in the universe that are unanswered. Or rather, just undiscovered. One such mystery that has left me boggled for years and has troubled my soul (not really that much), is the idiom, 'a stone's throw'. Just how far is a stone's throw? The only information I have found tells me a stone's throw is a very short distance. This is not a satisfying answer for me. I can throw pretty far, but probably not as far as a major league ball player. I'm positive I can throw further than a 5 year old and and maybe most girls. I know that when I throw a baseball to someone, they are still in ear shot of me. Which leads me to think that maybe there ISN'T an actual set distance because my hearing isn't as acute as some. So how far is an ear shot? Ugh, drink!

Fun with furniture

Check out this imaginative and brilliant furniture! In particular, a piece entitled "Bad Table". I want to party with this guy! Here's to ya! www.straightlinedesigns.com

Weekend

Ever notice 75% of cold fronts move in on Friday, just in time for the weekend? What's up with that? I know we can't change the weather, but is it in our power to change the weekend? How about Tuesday - Wednesday?