Bodily Functions

Why is it, when having a conversation with a child, the conversation inevitably turns south, and we find ourselves discussing poop or pee? Oh, you can try to change the subject, but once the topic is out there, the needle is stuck in the groove! Every answer after that is going to involve bodily functions, and they're going to laugh and laugh because they're a kid, and that's funny to kids. On Saturday, I was sitting, eating a donut with a friend of mine's son. He's a well behaved 3 year old, and I guess I was asking for it. I asked if he liked mustard on his donut. Of course his answer was a resounding NO! But this was an open invitation to the grossology exhibit. I then asked him if he liked ice cream. He shook his head yes, but when I asked him about ketchup on his ice cream, he turned his nose up. I don't know how the conversation, at this point, twisted, but one of the next topics that came up, was my butt. Uh oh, here we go. So after a couple of exchanges, I just got up from the table. I know it's rude, but a 3 year old doesn't take offense due to their attention span. Well, yesterday afternoon, I was talking to a friend and a relative of mine, and the topic came up of a mutual friend who is on a diet. Now this is the most bizarre diet I've ever heard of. It involves the urine from pregnant women to suppress the appetite. (I warned you). Next thing you know, we are three grown men cracking jokes about urine! Playing tricks on our friend with some Mountain Dew, walk out of the bathroom with a jar in our hand, freezing our waste product and putting in popsickle  sticks, etc., etc. After our friend bashing party, I left thinking, "I'm such a three year old". My conversations STILL spiral downward, satirizing bodily functions! Why is that so funny? I could just say the word "poop" completely out of context and I would get a few laughs.I guess it goes to show that boys grow to be men, but not really.

The Latest Fad

Have you ever stopped to think about what it would be like if overnight you went from average Joe to famous? I think of that British singer, Susan Boyle. One day, the world doesn't even know she exists, the next day, she's experiencing her 15 minute of fame. I personally have no talent that would set me apart from anyone else, but I think it would be cool if I invented something that no household should be without. Or invent the next game that would be the fad of the decade. You know, become a household name. I'm always amazed at the person who makes billions off of the simplest design, or they take something that people have been doing for decades, market it, and then sell it to the world. There's the hula hoop that the ancient Greeks used as a form of exercise. There's the frisbee, the hacky sack, the surf board, the yo-yo, and the list goes on and on. The yo-yo is believed to be the second oldest toy, behind the doll. I've been thinking about marketing a tablet of paper as "special airplane making paper". You can't buy just any old tablet paper, because it hasn't been aerodynamically tested. My paper is able to withstand the G forces it will experience after being tossed. My paper is guaranteed to fly farther than your average store bought paper. And yes, you can even still write on it, but only with a special pencil, that I'm still working on. It's also a "green" product that is recyclable. Do you think Walmart would push it for me? Is Ronco still around? I know pet rocks have already been done, but how about pet rock accessories?

Car Sick

Today I was in the back seat of someone's car for awhile and sometimes when riding around in stop and go traffic with the windows up, you can start to feel a little urpy. So we got to talking about being car sick and what we hate about riding in the back seat. My friend had quoted a Norm McDonald sketch about riding in the back. I had to agree with everything and I think you'll agree too. Sometimes, when you're a little car sick, it's best to roll down the window and get some fresh air. Cars are designed for people in the front seat though, not the rear. If you're in the front seat, you get a nice refreshing, gentle breeze. The back seat gets hurricane force winds that wrap your hair around your face and blow scraps of paper out the window. The seat belts in the back seat don't seem like they meet safety regulations. It's like, these seat belts are unsafe, we better put them in the back seat. Then, if there are 5 people in the car, only 2 can sit in the front seat, that means 3 have to sit in the back. You got it, the one in the middle has to sit on the hump! Besides, the hump is like 6" higher than the other 2 seats, so you have to slightly tilt your head forward because it hits the ceiling. Also, if you drew the short straw, and got the hump seat, you're constantly trying to keep from awkwardly falling all over onto the people you're sitting next to when you turn a corner. You really can't be a part of the front seat conversation either. You're always leaning forward with your head between the seats, only getting 50% of what's being said. And, of course, the radio and the air conditioning are conveniently set for the front seat passengers. The rear passengers are discriminated against. Anyway, it was a fun observation, but I feel I should start a movement for the equal rights of back seat passengers:)

Look Out!

My oldest daughter turns 15 this year and she's somewhat obsessed with driving. So I'm giving everybody advanced notice, we're coming to YOUR neighborhood to practice driving and parking skills! Just kidding:) So we've checked (pardon me, my wife checked) into insuring a student driver, because you never know when, not if, they're going to bump someone else's car, or accidentally run into a mail box or fence, or even do a lawn job (no wait, that was me). Of course I expected everything to be more expensive than when I was her age. Plus, there are good student discounts, which I don't think were ever offered to me. So I hope and pray she doesn't do anything too stupid in her teen years to adversely affect her driving privilege for the future. She has also looked into the price of cars. What she likes and what she will be able to afford are two different things. I think it might have been a little wake up call. Regardless, I'm sure she will need help, just as I needed help with my first car. I bought a 1972 VW Karmann Ghia for $200. It had an oil leak that needed fixed. One weekend, my step dad and myself decided to fix it. Had the motor out and ready to put back by lunchtime. We thought we would take a break and go eat a sandwich. While we're eating, we saw flames shooting from the garage! The furnace in the garage kicked on and the pilot light had ignited a pan of parts that were soaking in gasoline. It caught the car on fire and roasted the whole back end of the car. It was a total loss. But, I still had an engine, because it was sitting off to the side. I had owned that car for only 2 weeks. In about another 2 weeks, we found a 1969 VW Bug with no engine. Paid $150, and put the engine in and drove that car for the next 4 years! If that car could talk, I'd probably still be grounded:) Got any good "first car" stories? Please, do tell.

Posted Times

By the way, I've noticed the times posted on my blog are way off. There are some of them that say 5:00 AM. Not really happening. My alarm doesn't go off until 5:45 and I usually hit the snooze at least once. I'm not sure how to fix it, so don't think I'm a super early bird and you can call me at 5:00 in the morning. Now that I've told some of you NOT to, you're going to anyway, aren't you?

Wrong Side of the Bed

Had a dream last night, now keep in mind, I usually recall about 2 dreams a year, so it would be nice if it were a good one. Well this one didn't turn out so good. I dreamt I was making a pot of coffee. I had the water already in and I left the lid open while I was grinding the beans. While I was grinding (which must have taken forever), somebody snuck into our house with a handful of those helicopter seeds that maple trees drop, and threw it in the water reservoir of my coffee maker. You know the seeds I'm talking about. The ones that fall EVERYWHERE, and get into every ORIFICE just in MY yard! I was furious! I almost had a Tourett's moment! I started looking around the house to see who did the drive by molesting of my coffee maker, but to no avail. Then my alarm went off. So now I'm somewhat awake, but I want to go back to sleep so I can hunt down the "perp" in my dream. Being the vigilante that I am, I'm not sure what I would have done. It was probably good that my alarm went off, and he was saved by the bell. Maybe when I fall asleep tonight, I'll pick up the manhunt where I left off. Chances are, I won't even remember my next dream, and another criminal will get off the hook again. I wonder how Freud would interpret that one?

Yawn

I don't know if this is a medical condition or not, but I cannot stay awake for any amount of time to read a book. It doesn't matter how much sleep I've had , or the amount of coffee I've consumed, when I sit down to read something, I start to doze off. I really hate it when I do the big, open mouthed, cobra yawn, and spray venomous saliva all over what I'm reading. And it's not just books! I can be sitting at the computer screen, and my eyelids will start to feel as if I have something slowly tugging them downward. Next thing you know, I look like a professional boxer, bobbing and weaving. I kind of have to laugh at myself when I've drifted, and then out of nowhere, I let out one decibel shattering SNORE, and wake myself up! This is great fodder for my family to get in a few pokes at the old man. So, when family and friends start talking about the literature they've read lately, and how good it was, I feel a little left out of the party. I hate it when they look at me like I've read the same thing they have, and they give me that look like, you have to agree with me because you've certainly read that, right? It makes me feel like when I was in school and I didn't finish my homework, and the teacher gave me one of those looks of utter disappointment. I am a good listener though. Maybe all you bookworms out there would be willing to humor me, and we could have story time:)